Mirror Game.

Jude stands in the middle of a room watching Elle.
Elle pays no attention what-so-ever.
Jude tries, this time harder, to show Elle his dreams.
Elle is to disracted by her own dreams to truely look into Jude's.
Elle does enjoy the friendship and chase she gives Jude.
Jude is hurt. Once, twice, could it be even a third time?
Still Jude tries on, blinded by the games Elle loves to play.
Elle is inncocent of friendship to Jude.
Yet he hurts.

Anna stands and watches as Jude looses hope in love.
Her heart hurts for him, as she cares deeply for him.
More deeply then he cares to notice.
Anna tries to be there for Jude, but the more she tries, the more he closes up.
Anna doesn't understand.
Is it superficiality blinding Jude's eyes.
Anna tries to shake that thought about him immediatly, Jude is by no means shallow.
Unfortunatly, Anna knows her flaws, she does talk to much at times.
She cares so much it hurts.

So why is it that Jude cares for Elle, and Anna cares for Jude, but Jude doesn't notice Anna, and Elle doesn't care for Jude in the way he wants.

Jude doesn't see that Anna will always help him when he needs, even if it hurts her more then he would care to believe.

growing old.

Growing old is something most look at and want to run away from as soon as possible. I view it as an art, a thing of beauty. People don't appreciate what it takes to grow old. How lucky we are to have the ability to grow old. In a society where life is all about how much money and how successful you can be, am i naive in thinking life is about the years you spend holding on to those who you care the most about.

I don't want to live my life worrying about how time is flying by. I like holding on to every moment. Life doesn't have to be made of the moments you are most active. The sweetest moments are the ones where you truly feel comfortable sitting in silence with the ones you care about.

I've grown to realize that when you truly care for someone, there is no need to talk every moment. Being yourself isn't having to prove every action you take to be accepted, but to not have to say anything. It is being in a room with someone and not having to do anything. Sometimes it just feels good to hang out with someone and do whatever it is you would be doing on your own. Just being in the presence of the one you love shows you life is best at moments like these.

I dare you to find that person you go through this with. Maybe it's the person you never would have guessed. Stop holding on to past relationships and the could have beens and move on to what you have now. Right beside you. The people who you can be comfortable with forever.

would love

to feel happiness again. Everything I do results in this overwhelming ache. A clear something is missing. I miss you, I miss the city. I miss my life, and friends, and i miss bliss. I miss excitement.

most of all i miss you. You had a way with words. You viewed words as an art. It made you beautiful in my eyes. Your flaws are cute. They lit up my day. I felt so comfortable with you.

But not comfortable enough. I could never tell you how I felt. Fearing, I already knew the answer.

Unfortunately, you are too good for me. And I say this with the UTmost sincereness. Even though it works out perfectly in my head. I know you deserve much better.

I just don't know with you. i feel i love you, but you are okay with or with out me in your life. You have this side to you, the written side, it's beautiful. sometimes i get caught up thinking something you wrote fits me so well, but I'm silly. You don't even notice me.

I'm just a girl standing infront of a boy asking him to love her.

But only if he wants.

which hurts

so don't mention it or acknowledge it.

forever.

tomorrow,

I bored a first class flight with one, one hour stop in detroit.
Then to Virginia where I will be living the easy life on the beach.
Am I excited, not at this moment where i have a room full of crap,
Loads of CRAP left to do.
SWEET sleeping nephews and nieces and sister and momsies who i wont get to see again for a year.
AND to top it off the ONE person i REALLY hoped to get one more chance to hangout with tonight, some reason fell through. UGH
Thank you for that.
BUT as that is... it's time to move on and start a new life on the beach.

Keep it real rad kids. I will keep you posted.

Trust.

Trust is a word I haven't been very fond of in my life.
I find reasons to escape embracing this word.
For some situations it may have been a good judgment on my part.
Yet, I wonder, in those other cases, what I have missed out on.

Maybe I have missed the potential of what God could do in my life.
Or possibly loosing a chance to have a truly great friendship.

I can't understand why this seems to be SO hard for me.
What is my reason for this isolation from people.
Maybe I would not be so deeply hurt by things in life, if i learned to trust.


I'm going to work on that. Yes, that is what my goal is.

To trust I am not drowning in this world so called life.

ONCE AGAIN, thank you very much.

Okay so I have a REALLY hard understanding this thing I have been going through like my WHOLE life.

I've noticed I have had a pattern of disappointment in my life. Especially when it comes to the dating area. I know blah blah blah same old thing right? But I must vent. The same thing ALWAYS happens..

Girl meets boy, girl becomes friend with boy, girl eventually falls for boy, by this time boy feels girl is a best friend, boy tells girl all his troubles with another girl, girl tucks away the pain and puts a smile on.

Seriously. honestly never fails. I don't get why I get myself in these situations. Maybe I'm just the only girl who believes that a relationship should come from a friendship and not by the normal "hey im attracted to your looks, and we get along so far, so HEY lets date". its retarded.

Is that it? Or is it that I'm just the type of girl that will always be that guys friend. I seriously can't tell you the amount of times I've had to listen to the guy i have had feelings for tell me about their crush or the type of girls they are searching for. Can't you see in my eyes that it is killing me inside, yet i sit there and give advice against my own happiness.

It's making me cold. As if I don't even want to have friends anymore I know it's lame but a person can take only so many disappointments.

What do you think, am i just the best friend kind of girl?

Got lost.

So lately, with the world continuing to be a craze of a mess, I have decided to take up reading again. Which, may sound silly, but I have never really been much of a reader. (I'm a movie person)

BUT, as quick as the craving to leap into the crisp light paiges of a book came upon me, was the speed of how fast I found myself falling inlove with the art of writing. Not necessarily saying ME writing, because it goes with out saying, it's not my forte.

I've just found a world of peace with reading a good book. I found the phrase "getting lost" in a book to become something extremely true. I sit down open to the paige I left off and read from the moment I get the chance until something comes in and interupts my world of imagination created by the words of another. Thats something I've found the world likes to do.

I've found a new love and I can't get away. One book to the next. I know it may be me hiding from my own reality. But, my goodness how brilliant is the fact that just walking into a library or book store or even a small personal library holds SO many stories, SO many lifes, heartbreaks, adventures, tragities, and even advice.

Something about it just fascinates me and saddens me to see its a dying art, and people and generations are loosing touch with it. Please internet generation, take a day off, go get a good book, sit down at a park, in the quietness of your own house, the beach or where ever you may find your own private get away and escape into a book. Feel each of the characters, and you will suprised by the intamicy a book can hold to you.

at the crossroads

and i dont know which way to go.
So many things I want to do. Yet I feel so alone with no help. I need your hand to lead me. Guide me to whats best for me.

Remove my selfish heart.

I love you.

In reply to your last post...

She can’t see the way your eyes light up when you smile  She’ll never notice how you stop and stare whenever she walks by And you can't see me wanting you the way you want her  But you are everything to me   And I just wanna show you she don’t even know you  She’s never gonna love you like I want to  And you just see right through me  But if you only knew me  We could be a beautiful miracle, unbelievable  Instead of just invisible    There’s a fire inside of you that can’t help but shine through  She’s never gonna see the light  No matter what you do  And all I think about is how to make you think of me  And everything that we could be   Like shadows in a faded light  Oh, were invisible  I just wanna look in your eyes  And make you realize

My words are useless

I want to make an impact on someone outside of my family's life.

Will my words hit anyones heart?

Ugh

Maybe I will always just be the Anna.

Okay, this is the last blog I am going to post on this topic. It's gotta be or else I will get super redundant.

In the show The OC there is a character by the name of Anna Stern. She is a great character with a lot to offer. She's funny. She's smart. She knows how to listen. She's genuinely a good person. Now, I'm not saying I am exactly like her, nor that it is a bad thing to be like her. What I'm saying is I've come to be her in the sense of her relationship with the shows comedic relief lead character Seth Cohen.

Seth Cohen in fact is a boy after my own heart, much like this boy I've found to grow increasingly fond of in my everyday life. Well in the show, Anna comes about by chance and becomes friends with Cohen much as it should be.

She finds herself giving him advice to reach the heart of his dream girl Summer, that he has always longed for. All along, hiding that she is crazy about him. Knowing she is the certain underdog in the situation. She keeps it buried deep.

Now where my situation differs. My real life Cohen, doesn't even notice me, I mean we're good friends but I don't think I get to him as much as Anna gets to Seth. I'm becoming more of a out of sight out of mind friendship. I continue to fall hard and he forgets me more everyday.

Anna eventually gets to Cohen and he sees her true beauty. But his heart never turns away from his Summer. And Anna is left in the dust.

This is where we parallel once again.

I must make the decision to sit and take it. Or to take the Anna move, right a note and leave on a plane, to get myself away. I don't know. Will I ever be that Summer he is looking for? I'm doubtful.

The "Summer" he dreams of is, Beautiful, Unique, and Everything I'm not.

Instead I am average, and just invincible.

So that's that. I must move on.

THE END. Literally and Figuratively

Late at night when all the world is sleeping, I stay up and think of you

Okay so, of course the night of the last blog i wrote i had dream. In this dream everything was the way I wish it could be. Without asking for it, all the feelings rushed into my heart again. You are a flame in my life, you were getting low and right when i tried to blow you out, it came rushing back and in full flame.

Oh gosh, I wish dreams were reality. I pray for you everynight, i could just hope that you have a beautiful life. with or without me.

Excuse me while I disappear.

So here we go,

I'm giving up on you, well not you, but the hope of us. It's okay though, cause I know you don't care. I was stupid girl for thinking you could ever feel for me, how I so unwillingly felt for you. You are a great guy, but in that you are a guy. No matter how different I think you may be from the typical guy, your still a Guy. And you want your perfect pretty girl, which I can't ever be, I'm just not that girl.

I am full of flaws and I know it. I will never be the prettiest, I will never be the most fun, I will never be everything you want. And it sucks. I want to be all of that, but I just cant.

So I'd like to apologize in advance, for not answering your calls, or IM's or things of that sort, not that you were the one to do that anyways. and just know that even though I may have disappeared that I am always right here, waiting for the day I hear you say... I love you too.

SO, goodbye my friend, live your life to the fullest. Think of me when ever possible. and remember I will probably always care.

yours truly.

I have a secret

If you don't know by now, your frickin crazy.

and by you. you should also know if this is you.

k thanks.

exhaustion, or so i think

Can i really complain about my life as much as i do? it is kind of ridiculous. How can I really say I have a hard rough life, when there are 3rd world countries out there. Man I mean I need to get a clue.

I am sick of living such a self-centered, superficial, spoiled life. Not saying I'm out of control nor that there shouldn't be some consideration of self, but at the same time, what's the matter with me.

I'm starting a new way of living, or trying my hardest at least. Time to push myself to the limits. Out of my comfort zone. I need to make an effort to do something nice for someone everyday. even the smallest thing. Could be as small as helping a kind old woman at a grocery store with her cart, to lending myself to do some service to others, just to make their day easier.

Can I do it, who knows, I sure hope I'm not that small of a person.

hello, i love you

In todays society, I find love a very tricky thing. Its such a terrifying thing. Its the one emotion that can make you, COMPLETELY and unbelievably vulnerable. Who honestly wants that?

Not only that but finding that one special person that I'm suppose to give that power to for the rest of my life is hard. I've always told myself the person I will fall for will work in this order, we will be the best of friends first and one day realize we are absolutely perfect for each other. But who am I kidding.

I've come to realize guys have such a one track mind when it comes to ladies. They think about one thing and can't look past it. Not to say ALL guys are necessarily like this but to one way or another they are. Maybe I will never find that person that can look past all my imperfections and see me.

I feel like I'm so ready to embark on that journey to find that person, but I'm sad to say, I don't know if ill ever find him. There's been times when my suspicious that prince charming is around. But those accusations are easily squashed. Maybe it's my own unnerving low self confidence or the fact that i am pretty good at all ways screwing stuff up. I've learned to just not put myself out there.

Where are you prince charming, I'm waiting for the pursuit. Maybe not patiently but know, I am waiting. Are you just a fictitious character made up by hollywood or are you out there looking for me? Or could it be that your my best friend and we just don't know that one day we will find that spark. Or maybe i already and always have loved you?

Until then, I will wait and keep my focus on the one above. As hopfully you do the same. But seriously man, make it quick. :)

Who am I?

Wow thats a question of ambiguity.

Who am I? Oh gosh who knows. but I surely can state the obvious.

I'm a girl. A girl who happens to have no job, and not in school right now.

It happens that right now I'm living my sisters life, staying with her and

helping take care of my four nephews and nieces, all under the age of 5.

Don't get me wrong I love them all to death, but if my sister didn't need me

so bad I would love to live my own life right now.

I just recently left Columbia College Chicago. For many reasons.

I miss that school so much. But i know it was necessary that I leave.

I met a lot of very great people through my time there and I will probably never forget

the time I spent there for the rest of my life.

I have an extreme anxiety disorder. I am always trembling, and constantly have that crawling out of my own skin feeling. It drives me crazy. It's like no matter what I'm doing I have this hopeless STUCK feeling. It's hard to explain but all I know is I constantly am stressed. I don't like not having control. I hate being so anxious all the time. I never sleep. Nobody understands how hard of disorder insomnia is. NONE of my family understands this disorder and thinks I have control over it. I hope one day they will figure it out.

With that said, I am also a very independent person. I decided when going to school, I would go somewhere I knew I didn't know many, so I could do it by myself. I loved that. I love relying on myself. Which is why no job sucks so bad. I hate having to be financially dependent on someone else. It sucks.

I am an EXTREMELY picky person when it comes to love. I don't love easily whatsoever. It takes a lot for me to be attracted to a guy. I am very old fashion and believe in friendship first and then the idea of courting. But i seem to get hurt a lot so ive kinda taken myself out of the game. When I do find someone I am falling for, I fall hard. It takes a lot for me to get over the person, but I dont necessarily do the clingy thing. I work it out in my own head. And i move on.

When I think back on my life i have noticed I have a very huge pattern of disappointments in my life, from any kind of relationship Ive had, to jobs, as far as having to leave the school I loved. It has made me a strong person, but deep down it kills me. Ive learned to NEVER get my hopes up in any situation and to just keep going.

I thrive on communication, I love listening to others as much as I love talking. I love hearing others' stories, and i love helping other people out. I have a huge heart and I am very observant which helps me see things others usually dont in a certain situation.

yah so ha thats just a base, but how can anyone really answer the question of who they are?