My words are useless

I want to make an impact on someone outside of my family's life.

Will my words hit anyones heart?

Ugh

Maybe I will always just be the Anna.

Okay, this is the last blog I am going to post on this topic. It's gotta be or else I will get super redundant.

In the show The OC there is a character by the name of Anna Stern. She is a great character with a lot to offer. She's funny. She's smart. She knows how to listen. She's genuinely a good person. Now, I'm not saying I am exactly like her, nor that it is a bad thing to be like her. What I'm saying is I've come to be her in the sense of her relationship with the shows comedic relief lead character Seth Cohen.

Seth Cohen in fact is a boy after my own heart, much like this boy I've found to grow increasingly fond of in my everyday life. Well in the show, Anna comes about by chance and becomes friends with Cohen much as it should be.

She finds herself giving him advice to reach the heart of his dream girl Summer, that he has always longed for. All along, hiding that she is crazy about him. Knowing she is the certain underdog in the situation. She keeps it buried deep.

Now where my situation differs. My real life Cohen, doesn't even notice me, I mean we're good friends but I don't think I get to him as much as Anna gets to Seth. I'm becoming more of a out of sight out of mind friendship. I continue to fall hard and he forgets me more everyday.

Anna eventually gets to Cohen and he sees her true beauty. But his heart never turns away from his Summer. And Anna is left in the dust.

This is where we parallel once again.

I must make the decision to sit and take it. Or to take the Anna move, right a note and leave on a plane, to get myself away. I don't know. Will I ever be that Summer he is looking for? I'm doubtful.

The "Summer" he dreams of is, Beautiful, Unique, and Everything I'm not.

Instead I am average, and just invincible.

So that's that. I must move on.

THE END. Literally and Figuratively

Late at night when all the world is sleeping, I stay up and think of you

Okay so, of course the night of the last blog i wrote i had dream. In this dream everything was the way I wish it could be. Without asking for it, all the feelings rushed into my heart again. You are a flame in my life, you were getting low and right when i tried to blow you out, it came rushing back and in full flame.

Oh gosh, I wish dreams were reality. I pray for you everynight, i could just hope that you have a beautiful life. with or without me.

Excuse me while I disappear.

So here we go,

I'm giving up on you, well not you, but the hope of us. It's okay though, cause I know you don't care. I was stupid girl for thinking you could ever feel for me, how I so unwillingly felt for you. You are a great guy, but in that you are a guy. No matter how different I think you may be from the typical guy, your still a Guy. And you want your perfect pretty girl, which I can't ever be, I'm just not that girl.

I am full of flaws and I know it. I will never be the prettiest, I will never be the most fun, I will never be everything you want. And it sucks. I want to be all of that, but I just cant.

So I'd like to apologize in advance, for not answering your calls, or IM's or things of that sort, not that you were the one to do that anyways. and just know that even though I may have disappeared that I am always right here, waiting for the day I hear you say... I love you too.

SO, goodbye my friend, live your life to the fullest. Think of me when ever possible. and remember I will probably always care.

yours truly.

I have a secret

If you don't know by now, your frickin crazy.

and by you. you should also know if this is you.

k thanks.

exhaustion, or so i think

Can i really complain about my life as much as i do? it is kind of ridiculous. How can I really say I have a hard rough life, when there are 3rd world countries out there. Man I mean I need to get a clue.

I am sick of living such a self-centered, superficial, spoiled life. Not saying I'm out of control nor that there shouldn't be some consideration of self, but at the same time, what's the matter with me.

I'm starting a new way of living, or trying my hardest at least. Time to push myself to the limits. Out of my comfort zone. I need to make an effort to do something nice for someone everyday. even the smallest thing. Could be as small as helping a kind old woman at a grocery store with her cart, to lending myself to do some service to others, just to make their day easier.

Can I do it, who knows, I sure hope I'm not that small of a person.

hello, i love you

In todays society, I find love a very tricky thing. Its such a terrifying thing. Its the one emotion that can make you, COMPLETELY and unbelievably vulnerable. Who honestly wants that?

Not only that but finding that one special person that I'm suppose to give that power to for the rest of my life is hard. I've always told myself the person I will fall for will work in this order, we will be the best of friends first and one day realize we are absolutely perfect for each other. But who am I kidding.

I've come to realize guys have such a one track mind when it comes to ladies. They think about one thing and can't look past it. Not to say ALL guys are necessarily like this but to one way or another they are. Maybe I will never find that person that can look past all my imperfections and see me.

I feel like I'm so ready to embark on that journey to find that person, but I'm sad to say, I don't know if ill ever find him. There's been times when my suspicious that prince charming is around. But those accusations are easily squashed. Maybe it's my own unnerving low self confidence or the fact that i am pretty good at all ways screwing stuff up. I've learned to just not put myself out there.

Where are you prince charming, I'm waiting for the pursuit. Maybe not patiently but know, I am waiting. Are you just a fictitious character made up by hollywood or are you out there looking for me? Or could it be that your my best friend and we just don't know that one day we will find that spark. Or maybe i already and always have loved you?

Until then, I will wait and keep my focus on the one above. As hopfully you do the same. But seriously man, make it quick. :)

Who am I?

Wow thats a question of ambiguity.

Who am I? Oh gosh who knows. but I surely can state the obvious.

I'm a girl. A girl who happens to have no job, and not in school right now.

It happens that right now I'm living my sisters life, staying with her and

helping take care of my four nephews and nieces, all under the age of 5.

Don't get me wrong I love them all to death, but if my sister didn't need me

so bad I would love to live my own life right now.

I just recently left Columbia College Chicago. For many reasons.

I miss that school so much. But i know it was necessary that I leave.

I met a lot of very great people through my time there and I will probably never forget

the time I spent there for the rest of my life.

I have an extreme anxiety disorder. I am always trembling, and constantly have that crawling out of my own skin feeling. It drives me crazy. It's like no matter what I'm doing I have this hopeless STUCK feeling. It's hard to explain but all I know is I constantly am stressed. I don't like not having control. I hate being so anxious all the time. I never sleep. Nobody understands how hard of disorder insomnia is. NONE of my family understands this disorder and thinks I have control over it. I hope one day they will figure it out.

With that said, I am also a very independent person. I decided when going to school, I would go somewhere I knew I didn't know many, so I could do it by myself. I loved that. I love relying on myself. Which is why no job sucks so bad. I hate having to be financially dependent on someone else. It sucks.

I am an EXTREMELY picky person when it comes to love. I don't love easily whatsoever. It takes a lot for me to be attracted to a guy. I am very old fashion and believe in friendship first and then the idea of courting. But i seem to get hurt a lot so ive kinda taken myself out of the game. When I do find someone I am falling for, I fall hard. It takes a lot for me to get over the person, but I dont necessarily do the clingy thing. I work it out in my own head. And i move on.

When I think back on my life i have noticed I have a very huge pattern of disappointments in my life, from any kind of relationship Ive had, to jobs, as far as having to leave the school I loved. It has made me a strong person, but deep down it kills me. Ive learned to NEVER get my hopes up in any situation and to just keep going.

I thrive on communication, I love listening to others as much as I love talking. I love hearing others' stories, and i love helping other people out. I have a huge heart and I am very observant which helps me see things others usually dont in a certain situation.

yah so ha thats just a base, but how can anyone really answer the question of who they are?